


Tell Me Not To

by searider_Falcon



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: C/7 so I can destroy the foul thing, F/M, J/C will always be my endgame, The smallest of smalls Picard hints, fluff & love, forgive errors...you.can't.be.your.own.proof.reader., rebuilding friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:55:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 19,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23535637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/searider_Falcon/pseuds/searider_Falcon
Summary: Chakotay's life after Voyager's return to Earth is not what he had hoped. He tries to fix it.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay/Seven of Nine
Comments: 31
Kudos: 70





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> He's a little one from Chakotay's point of view. More stories (not necessarily from Chakotay's point of view) coming down the pipe, if quarantine gets me super bored...which it will. 
> 
> C/7 only to destroy it...if you're a ST:Picard fan, you might see a few subtle hints to it. Especially where Seven is concerned. :)

It was months since Voyager made it home. Months since the vision Chakotay had for his homecoming came crashing down around him. He was alone once again. He couldn’t understand why he couldn’t make relationships last. He thought he had real potential with Seven. He fought for her. Their relationship was new but their connection was genuine. He cared for her. Standing in Astrometrics, her safe haven, after Voyager returned to the Alpha quadrant, Chakotay began to speak about the future. Getting an apartment or house, visiting his sister, Seven included in his plans.  
That was his mistake.  
His euphoria in returning home, in finally having the future he had pictured in his mind’s eye for so long, blinded him to Seven’s feelings.  
His talk of the future, family, leaving Voyager, it was what he wanted. In all his excitement he didn’t notice Seven’s uncomfortable scripted responses to his advances.  
Why hadn’t he seen it sooner? 

“It’ll be fun. A new adventure. You said you wanted to explore humanity,” 

“I did. However, I did not anticipate moving so quickly. I wanted to explore how humans experience relationships.”

“And we are,” Chakotay said, taking her hand, “Are you still worried about what Admiral Janeway said?” 

Seven raised an eyebrow and Chakotay felt a shot of annoyance run through him. Kathryn Janeway was going to be the death of him. Either the ghost of her older self or the present captain. She was always lingering throughout every facet of his life. 

“She was a bitter old woman, who had no business inserting herself in our business,” Chakotay found himself saving. 

“You should not speak of her that way,” Seven said. 

Chakotay knew how important Kathryn Janeway was to Seven. She was a friend, a mentor and he knew they were very close. Which was what made him even more angry with Admiral Janeway when she attempted to force Seven to end her relationship with him. 

“You can’t believe what she told you. She changed the timeline. Anything she said is a moot point now,” Chakotay argued. 

“She said that a relationship with me will cause you pain,” 

“We talked about this,” Chakotay said, “There’s always risk with relationships. I’m willing to take that risk.” 

“Even if it means sacrificing your happiness?”

“What are you talking about?” Chaktoay said, trying to keep his voice calm but a fear washed over him. Seven was still concerned about what Admiral Janeway said and was not backing down. 

“You said you wanted a family, to leave Voyager. That is not what I want. My family is Voyager. My family is Icheb. My home is Voyager,”

“Starfleet won’t allow us to remain on Voyager. We’re going to be forced to leave. You’ll adapt. I’ll help you.” 

“And what if I do not adapt?” Seven said, “Will you remain even if you can not do the things you want?” 

“In life, we often don’t get things we want,” Chakotay said. 

That was certainly true. If he got what we wanted, Starfleet would have supported the Maquis’ efforts instead of labeling them criminals. Voyager would have returned home years ago. Kathryn Janeway would have…

Chakotay gently held Seven’s shoulders. 

“Sometimes we have to make sacrifices for those we care about,” Chakotay said. 

“And you believe you are ready for those sacrifices? If I tell you to remain on Voyager and not go down to Earth, would you do it? If I tell you I did not want to remain with Starfleet but go to Vulcan, perhaps the Vulcan Science Academy, would you go with me? If I told you I was not prepared to “settle down” would you accept that answer?” said Seven. 

She was looking at him with the faintest hint of apprehension. Her true feelings finally started to come out. 

“I…” said Chakotay. He didn’t know how to respond. Starfleet informed him that he could continue his career in Starfleet if he wanted. The thought was extremely tempting. After Kathryn brought him back into the Starfleet mold, the spark of curiosity, the dream he had when he was a teenager, seemed to grow again. He could honestly say he wasn’t ready to let that go. Not yet. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t have a career and be with Seven. It was possible. 

As Seven spoke, Chakotay could not picture himself going to Vulcan. He would be miserable amongst a group of beings who suppressed emotions. He spent too many years on Voyager closing off his emotions and his feelings for the one woman who was always in his thoughts. He didn't want to continue to do that. Which was why he had to hold onto this relationship with Seven, otherwise he would be alone. Again. 

“You can not,” Seven said, answering for him. 

“Seven, please. There are ways we can arrange for both of us to be happy. This relationship will work. I love you,” said Chakotay. 

Seven took a step back. Chakotay stared at her. He hadn't meant to say it. He didn’t mean it. He cared for Seven. He wanted to explore their relationship, to get to know her, but several lunch dates and a few kisses weren’t enough to be love. He regretted his words the moment they came out. 

“I...do not. I do not know what love is in relationships. This is new. I am still categorizing our interactions. I am still learning. I do know it is not the same love I have for Icheb. It is not the same love I have B’Elanna Torres or Tom Paris or Captain Janeway,” Seven said. 

“That’s...true,” said Chakotay. He had to admit that what he felt wasn’t the same for each one of the people Seven mentioned. Especially Kathryn.  
“It’s a different kind of love,” Chakotay said, “Look, Seven. I didn’t mean…I know this is all new to you, but I can help.”

“You are a good teacher,” Seven admitted and Chakotay inwardly winced. Was this how she viewed him? A teacher? Someone to explain the intimacies of human relationships? 

“While I enjoyed the newness of the physical parts of the relationship. I know that I am not ready to say that love is a part of it. I do care for you. More so than some of the Voyager crew. However, I am not prepared to halt my future plans.” 

Her future plans. Chakotay hadn’t even considered the fact that maybe Seven would have thought about what the Alpha quadrant would bring her. 

“What future plans are those?” Chakotay said, trying to backpedal his embarrassing moment. 

“I am not sure. I must visit the remaining family I have on Earth. Then I am considering continuing my scientific exploration in astrometrics. Perhaps I will join a science vessel to explore spatial phonomeon,” said Seven. “That is not what you want,” she added bluntly. 

“A lot has happened that I didn’t want throughout my life. I got through it.”

“And did it bring you happiness?”

Chakotay sighed. His thoughts drew back to the death of his father, leaving Starfleet, Seska, life in the Delta quadrant, and Kathryn. Always Kathryn. Damn that woman and the hold she had on him. 

“No,” Chakotay admitted. 

“Then why do you think you will have a different outcome this time?” 

“Why are you fighting so hard to end this?” 

“The question is, why are you fighting to continue when we are clearly going to follow different paths?”

“Because…” Chakotay said. He was out of arguments. He was out of comebacks, “I don’t know.” 

Seven raised her eyebrow again. 

“I think it best to terminate our relationship.” 

“Seven…” 

Seven returned to her console. There wasn’t much work to do since Voyager was in orbit, but Seven busied herself with starcharts and analyzing data from their transwarp corridor journey.  
There was nothing more to be done. Even though a hurt crawled up inside him, Chakotay did want to remain friends. Seven was a remarkable person, someone who would need as many friends as she could get on Earth. Especially as she adapted to life on Earth or wherever she went. 

“Will we remain friends?” Chakotay said. 

Seven looked up from her console. She looked at him and her expression softened. 

“Yes, I would like that.” 

Chakotay wanted to kiss her goodbye. He made to move forward, but Seven returned to her work and he stopped in mid stride. 

“I’ll always be here, if you need help,” said Chakotay. 

“Thank you Commander,” said Seven. 

His rank. The damned thing that Kathryn used to keep him at a distance. She taught Seven well. 

All he wanted to do now was to go back to his quarters and lick his wounds. Another failed relationship...and he felt miserable. If only he was able to convince Seven to see his point of view. If only Kathryn hadn’t rejected him. But as he entered his quarters a small voice in the back of his head told him, But you haven’t really asked Kathryn about a relationship, have you?

Chakotay kicked over a chair in frustration. He brought all this upon himself. His own desperation for a companion led him astray once again. Why didn’t he learn this lesson?  
He righted the chair. Order the computer for a glass of synthethol scotch and sat down on the couch. He stared at the scotch for a moment before downing the contents of the glass. It wasn’t the real thing but in the moment it felt right. He put the glass on the table across from him and stretched out on the couch. 

It was barely a few moments later, the chime to his quarters rang. He had the fleeting thought that it was Seven coming to say she changed her mind but he knew that was foolish. Once Seven made up her mind, there was no changing it. 

“Come in,” Chakotay sighed, sitting up. 

B’Elanna entered. She was carrying her newborn daughter. She smiled at him when she entered. She looked exhausted but beautiful, positively glowing. Chakotay attempted a smile.  
“I’ve been looking for you all over. I want you to meet Miral.” said B’Elanna. 

“Sorry,” said Chakotay. 

B’Elanna came to sit next to him on the couch. Holding Miral in her arms. The baby was wrapped in a blanket, stitched with her name. It was Kathyrn’s handiwork. She told Chakotay of the progress she was making on it to ensure it was ready when the baby arrived.  
B’Elanna handed Miral to Chakotay, who cradled him in his arms against him. 

“Congratulations B’Elanna,” said Chakotay. He looked down at the tiny infant. Her forehead ridges matched B’Elanna’s and made her look unhappy as she stared up at him. Or perhaps she could tell Chakotay was unhappy himself. He smiled down at Miral but his smile faded. 

“What’s wrong?” B’Elanna asked, immediately look at Miral incase there was something she missed. 

“Seven and I broke up,” said Chakotay, “Before you say anything...I know you didn’t agree with my decision, but honestly, I’m pretty hurt.”

B’Elanna had passionately disagreed with him when he told her he began dating Seven. He tried to keep it under wraps but his happiness made him want to tell someone and Kathryn was certainly out of the question, so he went to his second closest friend. 

“I can’t say I’m too upset by the news,” B’Elanna said, “but I’m sorry you’re hurt. What happened?”

She seemed to fight the impulse to criticize Seven, which Chakotay was grateful for. 

“I wanted to settle down, live on Earth, have a family...slow down. She doesn't. I tried to fight for her, tell her we could make it work, I even told her I loved her.” 

“You didn’t,” said B’Elanna, her Klingon anger rising up. 

Chakotay looked at her, “I didn’t actually mean it, I just said it in some last ditch effort to salvage what we had...she called me out on it and ended it.” 

Chakotay sighed and he looked back down at the baby in his arms. 

“I wanted a life with someone so badly, I think I tried to force myself into thinking things would work with Seven but she’s still learning about relationships. She said it herself, I was teaching her.”

“Ouch,” said B’Elanna, “I never understood why you agreed to date Seven in the first place.” 

“She’s actually a fascinating person,” said Chakotay. 

“A little rigid,” said B’Elanna, more to herself. 

Chakotay did not reply. He knew Seven wasn’t truly rigid but her brusque nature could be interpreted that way sometimes. 

“I thought you had a thing for Janeway,” B’Elanna, “ I mean, you never outright said, but I see the way you look at her.” 

Chakotay stiffened, his jaw tensing. 

“Kathryn and I...it’s just not going to happen.” 

“How do you know?” 

“B’Elanna…”

“I mean it. We’re home. If Starfleet chains her to a desk on Earth and you’re there. Don’t you think it’s possible?” 

“I don’t know,” said Chakotay. 

And he didn’t. He was stung by Seven’s blunt ending of their relationship. Still sad at the prospect of being alone again. Even among friends, like he was now, it wasn’t what he had planned for his life. He wanted a lifetime companion. He thought it was Seska, but she betrayed him. He wanted Kathryn but she refused to consider it, and now Seven, who was too new to relationships to consider a long-term future not to mention a lifetime. His heart was aching. Chakotay knew with time, he would heal, he just didn’t want to do when he should be celebrating being home. 

B’Elanna wrapped an arm around his shoulder as she looked down at her daughter. 

“Tom and I talked about it...we want you and Captain Janeway as Godparents. Would that be okay with you?” 

Forever tied with Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay thought. But he wouldn’t deny B’Elanna this even if, at the moment, his heart wanted some distance between himself and Kathryn Janeway. 

“Of course. I’d love to be,” Chakotay said, smiling at her. 

B’Elanna gave him a sideways hug, leaning her head on his shoulder. 

“We considered Harry but he’d be in way over his head,” B’Elanna said. 

Chakotay chuckled. Indeed he would.


	2. Chapter 2

Starfleet granted every crew member shore leave after each one was debriefed which took months. His own series of debriefings took a week. Rumor was Captain Janeway’s debriefing took even longer. If that was true, Chaktoay felt sorry for her. He knew Kathryn did not like being grilled on her past decisions and after seven years of being the sole Starfleet authority in the Delta quadrant, Kathryn would not take that level of scrutiny kindly. 

Chakotay spent his shore leave in Ohio with his cousin. It was awkward to say the least. He hadn’t spoken to his cousin in years, even before he joined the Maquis, but when he was invited to join his family for a while, Chakotay went. His sister made the journey from Dorvan Five and he was thrilled to see her. 

One night, Chakotay and his sister, Sekaya, sat outside his cousin’s house. A firepit was roaring in front of them and a silence between them hung in the air. Chakotay had been feeling that a lot lately. Even though these people were his family, his blood relatives, they seemed like strangers to him. How could they ever understand what he went through in the Delta quadrant. 

“You’ve changed,” Sekaya said, watching him over a glass of wine. The firelight bounced around her face. When had she started to look like a wise adult? 

“Seven years in the Delta quadrant will do that to you,” Chakotay said, trying to put a smile into his words. 

His sister, despite their years of separation saw right through it, “You seem sad,” said Sekaya. 

“I miss my friends from Voyager,” said Chakotay, “and I recently went through a break up.”

“Tell me about it.” 

Chakotay really didn’t want to rehash the details of his breakup, again. How could he explain Seven to his sister? She didn’t have a lot of experience with the Borg and he didn’t think many humans were rescued from the Borg to tell their tale to the galaxy. But under his sister’s kind gaze, Chakotay soon found himself telling his younger sister everything. His relationship with Seven, the betrayal by Seska, life in the Delta quadrant, and Kathryn. How he and Kathryn were stranded on a planet together, how they became friends, how he shared his medicine bundle with her and helped her find her animal guide. He went on and on. When he finally stopped his sister was smiling at him. 

“What?”

“You realize you have been talking about this Kathryn Janeway for the past thirty minutes.”

“Have I?” Chakotay shook his head, “I guess she has been on my mind.”

“For a long time, it seems,” said Sekaya. 

“Nothing is going to happen between me and Kathryn, Sekaya. She made that clear.”

“And you think she won’t be receptive if you brought it up again?”

“I don’t know,” said Chakotay. 

“Then try.”

Did he even want to try? He spent seven years by Kathryn Janeway’s side. Trying to ease the burden she felt while commanding Voyager. They fell into an easy friendship. They were opposites in many ways but she understood his humor, truly listened and engaged with him when they talked about things other than ship’s business. It was the deepest friendship he ever had in his life. He was closer to her than B’Elanna. And along the way, he fell in love with her. Deeply, completely, in love. It was something he tried to ignore at first, then when he couldn’t, Chakotay tried to subtly tell her or show her. Kathryn’s concern and devotion to her mission of bringing Voyager home was what killed any possibility between them. He accepted that, which was why when Seven asked him on a date, he accepted. He tried, he really tried to focus on that new relationship but his sister was right, Kathryn Janeway was always there and had been for a long time. 

But he wasn’t ready to pursue her. If she truly rejected him...Chakotay didn’t want to risk a pain he knew would be so deep he didn’t think he’d recover from it.


	3. Chapter 3

Weeks later, Chakotay found himself walking the grounds of Starfleet headquarters. He was just presenting with an interesting offer from Starfleet Academy. He was intrigued to say the least. A teaching position. Something he was doing before he joined the Maquis. Talk about coming full circle, he thought. 

He walked a path that connected Starfleet Academy to Headquarters. It was a path he walked many times as a young man. It seemed so long ago now. He was looking for a particular bench that he frequented as a cadet where he could sit and sort out what to make of Starfleet’s offer. The bench wrapped around a maple tree and provided plenty of shade. Perfect for a long afternoon’s quiet contemplation. He turned a corner and spotted the tree and someone already sitting underneath. A familiar someone with red hair and a petite frame. 

Chakotay hung back for a moment. Kathryn Janeway was sitting on his favorite bench on the grounds of Starfleet Headquarters. They had not spoken since her debriefings and subsequent shore leave. Chaktoay knew he needed space from her. It wasn’t until that moment that he realized. He missed her. He missed talking to her, laughing with her. He missed her friendship and he wanted it back. 

He found himself moving forward before he made a conscious thought to do so. Kathryn was reading a padd, leaning against the tree’s trunk. She looked relaxed and Chakotay had to admit, more beautiful than he’d ever seen her. She let her hair grow a little longer, it hung down to just past her shoulders. Not quite Starfleet regulation and Chakotay felt a little proud that his former captain was flouting the rules. 

“Hello Kathryn,” he said when he approached her. 

He heard her gasp a little when she heard his voice. Perhaps she was so engrossed in reading that she hadn’t heard him walk up to her. 

“Chakotay! I…” she turned her padd over and set it next to her on the bench, “...It’s good to see you.” 

She blushed a little and Chakotay smiled. What had he caught her in? Now his curiosity outweighed any trepidation he felt when he first saw her. He sat on the bench, deliberately close to her padd. She couldn’t take her eyes off him. Nor he from her. He drank in her features like a hungry man. Her eyes still their brightest blue and had an extra spark that he hadn’t seen in years. 

“How are you?” she asked. 

“I’m okay,” said Chakotay, “Better than I was when we first got home.”

Kathryn nodded, “Seven told me about your relationship and susquenst break up.”

Chakotay tugged on his ear, “That wasn’t the way I was hoping you would find out but it doesn’t matter now. She ended it.” 

“Are you alright?”

“Fine,” he said. 

That was the first time he said it out loud and really meant it. He cared for Seven, cared for her path to become an individual, but he hadn’t missed her as much as he initially thought he would. In fact, it was Kathryn whom he missed more. Seeing her now made him want to tell her everything. Confess that one of the reasons he wasn’t with Seven was because he knew, as did she, that Seven’s need of exploration and desire for new challenges would not have made him happy and that his happiness seemed to be forever tied in some way to Kathryn Janeway. But as Kathryn looked down and her hands in her lap, Chakotay’s desire to explain more about his failed attempt at a relationship died. 

“Are you alright?” he said, leaning forward a little to look at her. 

“Me? I’m fine,” said Kathryn, looking back at him quickly. Her eyes bore into his as if to challenge him to prove otherwise. 

“Well, now that we’ve both established that we’re fine…” said Chakotay, knowing that she knew he didn’t believe her. 

“Maybe, I’m not completely fine,” said Kathryn, “I’ve missed you and I must admit I was hurt when I heard about your relationship with Seven.” 

Chakotay nodded, “It wasn’t my intention to hurt you.” 

“And I had no right to feel hurt,” Kathryn assured him. 

“I think we both know that’s not quite true,” Chakotay said. 

They stared at each other. That was the closest they’ve come to talking about whatever was between them. So much was left unsaid. So much regret, longing, fear, you name it, it was there just beneath the surface. Chakotay guessed Kathryn wasn’t sure what she wanted from him and he was afraid to ask. The tension between them was building again. For some reason, it felt worse and more intense than when they were on Voyager. 

“So, what have you been up to?” Chakotay asked, desperately trying to ease tension. 

“Shore leave, as I’m assuming you were enjoying too.” 

Chakotay smiled, “I was. I saw my sister.” 

“She made the trip from Dorvan Five? Oh, Chakotay, I’m so glad.” 

She placed her hand on Chakotay’s knee and Chakotay felt the familiar swooping sensation in his stomach that he felt every time she touched him on Voyager. His attraction to Kathryn Janeway didn’t seem to have diminished. 

“I’m glad too. I really missed her. She’s changed a lot,” he chuckled, realizing, “That’s what she said about me.” 

“We’ve all changed,” Kathryn said. 

“For the better, I hope.” 

“I hope,” agreed Kathryn. 

“What about you? Did you actually take shore leave or did you just cut back on the amount of reports to read,” asked Chakotay. 

He reached for the padd sitting next to her. He picked it up before Kathryn could stop him. He read the title. It was most definitely not a Starfleet report. 

“‘Vulcan Love Slave’,” he read in genuine surprise. 

Kathyn blushed furiously red and snached the padd from his hand. 

“Don’t judge me,” she said quickly, hiding the padd again, “If you must know, my sister, Phoebe, insisted that I take some down time and gave me a few books to read.”

“I had you pegged for a Victorian gothic horror novel type, not Vulcan Love Slave.”

“I like those too,” said Kathryn. 

“And, you like this kind of stuff...” teased Chakotay pointing to the padd in her hand. 

“I’m only reading it to get Phoebe off my back. She said I’ve been stifled by my time on Voyager and for far too long.”

Under his gaze, Kathryn rolled her eyes, “Maybe she’s right. Okay. Judge all you want.” 

“I would never judge you Kathryn. In case you forgot, I was the one who encouraged you to spend time in Fair Haven.” 

And hated every second of it, Chakotay thought but he cared about Kathryn and she needed something to ease whatever she felt at the time, especially if she wouldn’t allow herself to get close to him. 

Kathryn nodded in memory.

“That you did. What are you doing here at Starfleet headquarters?” Kathryn asked, changing the subject. Chakotay was grateful. He didn’t want to linger on the memory of Fair Haven any longer than he had to. 

“It was actually Starfleet Academy I was here to see. They offered me a teaching position. I came here,” said Chakotay, indicating the bench, ”...to think it over.” 

“I love this bench. I studied here a lot as a cadet,” said Karthryn, she leaned in a little, “and spent many an hour daydreaming of becoming an officer.”

Chakotay smiled. “I came here often too, which was why I sought it out today.” 

“Teaching...you did that before you left Starfleet. Advanced Tactics, right? Things really do come full circle.” 

This woman really did think along the same lines as him. It amazed Chakotay sometimes. They came from such different backgrounds, had different professional interests, but they were so similar in so many ways. 

“Are you going to accept?” Chakotay imagined her heard hope in her voice. 

“I haven’t decided,” said Chakotay, “What about you? Did you get a new assignment?” 

“A promotion, actually, it goes into effect next week.”

“Congratulations,” said Chakotay. 

Kathryn shrugged, “It’s a desk job. No more Voyager, no more ships and exploration.”

“How do you feel about that?” 

“You know, at first, I felt insulted, as if they were punishing me somehow, but when I was at my mother’s during leave, I caught myself thinking...wouldn’t it be nice to just stay put. Slow down and be on Earth for a while.” 

“I find myself thinking that too,” said Chakotay. 

Kathryn placed her hand over his. 

“The Delta quadrant will suck the desire for exploration right out of you,” she said with a little laugh. 

“Oh I doubt you’ll stay on Earth forever. That exploration bug will bite you again. Besides, it wasn’t all bad out there, we have Icheb here, we met Neelix and helped him find a home, Seven was rescued from the collective, and we helped Kes journey into the next stage of evolution of her people. We experienced quite a lot.” 

“You always were the optimistic one,” said Kathyn, “I never thanked you for helping me through those many rough patches I went through.”

“You don’t need to thank me, Kathryn.”

“I do. You did so much for me out there and I feel like I didn’t say it enough. I truly am grateful.” 

Tears welled up in her eyes but did not fall. After all this time, the two of them really have changed. She was never that emotional in front of him. He’d seen her at her worst, like that time in The Void, where she was depressed and angry with herself, and seen her laughing and joking with the crew, like the night she played pool at Sandrine’s. 

“I spent a lot of time with my mother and sister on shore leave and a lot of time talking about what happened out there. I don’t think the emotional toll of all the ups and downs we had hit me until I told my family all about them.” 

Chakotay squeezed her hand. Happy that Kathryn finally spoke to someone about her experience. 

“I know what you mean.” 

She smiled at their hands for a moment, then she abruptly stood up. 

“I should get going. My mother has insisted that I meet a friend of hers from work.” 

“Oh, I see,” Chaktoay said, standing as well. The thought that Kathryn could be seeing someone hadn’t crossed his mind. In fact it left a pit in his stomach, but he knew, in reality, he deserved it. After all, he hurt her when he dated Seven. What would give him any cause to think she would be ready to connect with him. 

“I just can’t picture my mother being with anyone other than my father, but I guess she does deserve companionship too, right?” 

“Your mother?” 

“Yes. You didn’t think it was me? Chakotay, I’m reading….’Vulcan Love Slave’” said Kathryn lowering her voice, “Do you really think my dating life is that stellar?”

“I didn’t…. I…” said Chakotay, at a loss for words. 

She patted his shoulder sympathetically. Chakotay felt as if he needed to say something in order to keep her here with him just a little longer. Anything that would keep the potential for another interaction between them and to cover up the embarrassment he felt. 

“Do you want to have dinner sometime this week?” he blurted out quickly. When had he become so frazzled around her? 

“For old times sake?” Kathryn said, clearly thinking about their meals on Voyager. 

“Or new ones,” Chakotay said. 

She considered him for a moment. 

“I’m free Thursday….and don’t think because I agreed to dinner means anything will happen out of here?” she said waving the padd in the air before smiling and walking away. 

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Chakotay lied.


	4. Chapter 4

Now it seemed that the weeks of finding himself alone didn’t seem so bad. He had plans with Kathryn in a few days. Chakotay was eager to see her again. He made reservations at an Italian restaurant and sent Kathryn the details. As the days went by, Chakotay found that he wished his dinner with Kathryn was sooner. Their conversation under the bench made Chakotay hope that their relationship, in whatever state it was, could be re-energized. 

The night before he was due to meet with Kathryn, he stopped by Tom and B’Elanna’s small apartment. There was screaming when he approached the door. Whatever was happening inside, Miral was having nothing of it. He knocked but surmised that his request for entry was drowned out by the infant part Klingon. Chakotay pushed the door open. He found Tom, rocking a screaming Miral, back and forth as B’Elanna was frantically reading something on a padd. 

“Try swinging her,” B’Elanna said. 

“I tried that,” Tom shouted back, wincing as Miral screamed in his ear. 

“Are there any Klingon tricks that could work?” Chakotay suggested. 

B’Elanna looked up, “Hey!” she said, rushing over to him and giving him a hug. 

“Why is she upset?” asked Chakotay.

“Beats me,” said Tom, “We’ve tried everything.” 

“I’ll look up what Klingon babies tend to do,” said B’Elanna, “It makes me wish my mother was here. She’d be able to help.” 

Tom set Miral down on the floor where she was surrounded by toys. Miral screamed and cried louder. 

“It says Klingon infants tend to enjoy more roughhousing play than human children.” 

“She’s only a few months old,” said Tom. 

“Maybe try rolling her around on the floor?” said B’Elanna. 

Tom got down next to Miral and began to roll her one way then the next, stopping here and there to pick her up and pretend to make her jump. 

“Come on little warrior,” Tom said, “Just stop screaming.”

Miral hiccupped but eventually stopped screaming. 

“Have I gone deaf?” Tom joked. 

B’Elanna flopped down on the couch, “Now, I understand why my father left when I was a kid.” 

“Well, I’m not going anywhere. She’s too cute,” Tom said as he rolled Miral around and around then poked her on the nose. She smiled at her father. 

“What brings you here Chakotay?” B’Elanna asked, patting the couch to have him sit next to her. 

“Just wanted to drop by. I hope that’s okay,” said Chakotay.

“Of course,” said B’Elanna. 

Really, he wanted to bring up the subject of Kathryn and get B’Elanna’s thoughts. The fact that his first interaction with Kathryn Janeway in weeks had gone well made Chakotay feel reassured that he could repair his friendship with her but wanted B’Elanna’s ideas on how to approach it. He had no other woman he could ask, maybe his sister, who already told him to try, and he sincerely doubted Tom Paris would give Chakotay the advice he wanted. 

“You want to babysit?” Tom suggested. 

“It looks like you’ve got this under control,” said Chakotay who was more than happy to babysit, but when Miral was older and could understand him when he spoke to her. 

B’Elanna let out a laugh of disbelief, “I don’t know how we thought we could do this?”

“Oh come on, look at this face,” Tom said, lifting Miral but and facing her toward B’Elanna. 

“She is adorable,” Chakotay conceded. 

Tom turned Miral around so he could look at her. Miral took that moment to vomit all over Tom. 

“Okay, that makes this worth it,” laughed B’Elanna before she stood up to find a cloth to wipe Miral’s face. 

“Bath time,” Tom said, not one bit nonplused that he was covered in vomit. He took the cloth from B’Elanna and whisked Miral away, taking the stench of vomit with him. 

“Well, Tom seems to be taking fatherhood in stride,” said Chakotay, “How are you holding up?”

“Fine...exhausted but fine,” assured B’Elanna, “Where have you been? I haven’t seen you since Voyager.” 

“Ohio, visiting my cousin and sister.” 

“Sekaya made it from Dorvan?” said B’Elanna. 

“She made the trip especially to see me,” said Chakotay happily. 

“That’s great,” said B’Elanna, “I haven’t seen her in years. How is she?”

“Fine. She's the spiritual leader of our tribe now. She’s grown up, grown wiser. I feel like I’ve missed so much.” 

“A lot of time has passed, I’m not surprised you feel that way,” B’Elanna. 

“Do you think we’ve changed?” asked Chakotay, thinking of Kathryn. 

“I know I have or I wouldn’t have married Tom,” said B’Elanna, “I owe everything I have to the Delta quadrant and Kathryn Janeway.” 

So many of the Voyager crew owed Kathryn Janeway so much. Chakotay certainly did. She brought him a long missing peace that he had spent years searching for. Kathryn made him care about Starfleet again, something he didn’t think possible after he joined the Maquis. He was certainly a changed man and B’Elanna was right, he owed it all to Kathryn Janeway. 

B’Elanna scrutinized Chakotay for while, as he picked up a book, 'Flotter and the Case of the Missing Bolian'. Much more appropriate than “Vulcan Love Slave”. He smiled and shook his head. 

“You seem in a better mood since the last time I saw you.” 

Chakotay set the book down. Now would be his chance to bring up Kathryn and the potential meeting up with her on Earth could hold. 

“I am. Not particularly happy that another relationship failed but I’m slowly accepting that. I ran into Kathryn on the grounds of Starfleet headquarters.” 

B’Elanna smirked in a way that almost made Chakotay sigh. She was much too pleased with that tidbit of information. 

“How is she?” 

“Fine. Reading a lot,” said Chakotay, thinking of the padd Kathryn had with her. Chakotay was sure Kathryn would die of embarrassment if any of her former senior officers knew she had ‘Vulcan Love Slave’ on her reading list. 

“I heard Starfleet gave her a rough time during the debriefings.” 

“Not too much of a hard time; she’s been promoted.” 

“An admiral?! Well, she always was typical Starfleet.” 

Not always, Chakotay thought. There were several questionable decisions Kathryn made over the years. The incident with the Equinox came to mind. I wouldn’t be surprised if Starfleet was harsh with her. In the end, it didn’t matter, Kathryn was still offered a promotion. Chakotay knew how important her Starfleet career was to Kathryn and he was proud that she would be able to advance. 

“So, you’ve seen the captain,” B’Elanna said. 

“Nothing’s happening, B’Elanna. Just two friends having dinner.” 

“You’re having dinner with her?” 

“Did I forget to mention that?” smiled Chakotay. 

B’Elanna rolled her eyes, “Well, it’s a step in the right direction.” 

“Don’t hold out hope B’Elanna. She told me how hurt she was when I started dating Seven. I sincerely doubt she’s forgiven me for that.” 

“I’m surprised she didn’t rip your head off,” growled B’Elanna. 

“Kathryn's not like that,” said Chakotay, “Not when it comes to things like this.” 

He thought about her Dear John letter from her old fiancé, Mark. How she insisted she was fine, but Chakotay could tell Kathryn was more emotionally battered by the experience than she let on. When she had to leave Jaffen behind, she was struck with a bout of depression that she tried to hide from the crew. He noticed, of course he did, which was partly why he gave up trying to pursue her. But his thoughts were pulled back to their conversation on the bench and how he felt when she touched him. He may have given up a while ago but now it seemed like there was a part of him that was begging him to reconsider. Perhaps there was a part of her that was thinking that way too? 

“Miral’s down for the count,” Tom announced when he entered the room. He had changed clothes, not a hint of vomit in sight. 

“Chakotay met with the captain recently,” B’Elanna said. 

Tom’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, “Are we allowed to talk about them now?” 

“He brought it up,” countered B’Elanna. 

“Oh, well, in that case, how is she?” said Tom, sitting next to B’Elanna on the couch and draping an arm around behind her. 

“Fine apparently. She’s meeting him for dinner,” said B’Elanna, glaring at Chakotay. 

“Just two friends catching up,” said Chakotay. 

Tom scoffed at that, “You two have been more than friends for a long time. Hell, we took bets on it back on Voyager.” 

“You did what?” Chakotay said.

“You didn’t know?” Tom said surprised, “Well, I guess the Voyager crew can keep secrets.” 

“Just be glad the captain never found out,” Chakotay said. 

Tom waved a hand, “She’d have a laugh.” 

Chakotay wasn’t so sure. He doubted very much that Kathryn would have found a betting pool based on her personal life funny. He made a mental note never to tell her about it. 

“Now that Miral’s asleep, why don’t we have a party of our own,” Tom said, jumping up from the couch. He hurried over to the kitchen and returned with a bottle of wine and glasses.   
“This is the real stuff, so pace yourself,” he said with a grin. 

With a glass of wine, Chakotay listened to Tom and B’Elanna’s life post-Voyager. They spent some time with Tom’s parents, Admiral Paris and his wife, Julia, before everyone felt that a part Klingon infant was too much for Tom’s parents to handle. No matter how excited and proud they were that Tom had turned his life around, and no matter how pleased Tom was that his father approved of the changes he made in his life, the prospect of living with his parents turned both him and B’Elanna off and Chakotay didn’t blame them. It was probably for the best. Tom and B’Elanna needed to have their own life and Chakotay was proud they would be pursuing that life together. B’Elanna finally found a family and purpose and Tom had matured greatly. 

B’Elanna even made plans to meet with her father, so she could introduce him to Miral. John Torres seemed eager and Chakotay was glad. He knew how much her father’s departure from her life hurt B’Elanna and he was glad they were working on a reconciliation. He suspected Tom had a hand in that. 

“So, are you staying for dinner?” B’Elanna asked but as she spoke, Miral woke and the screaming continued. 

“On second thought…” Tom said, getting up to rush over to Miral’s crib. 

“Maybe, I should get going,” said Chakotay. 

He and B’Elanna moved to the door. 

“Don’t be a stranger,” B’Elanna said, disappointment in her voice, “I haven’t seen you ages.” 

She hugged Chakotay again. 

“I won’t. Good luck with the baby,” said Chakotay. 

“Ow, no biting, Miral, please,” Tom cried from inside the apartment. 

“I better go,” said B’Elanna. 

“Goodnight,” said Chakotay and he left. 

He walked the streets of San Francisco for a while before he made his way home. Being on Earth again was a mixture of excitement and melancholy for Chakotay. Some days it felt as if the return home was anti-climatic and not at all what he wanted. After spending time with B’Elanna and Tom, Chakotay wanted a family, someone he could come home to every night. He was pushing fifty now, it made sense that half way through his life, Chakotay would let the uncertainty of the future settle in. 

He never felt truly at home here on Earth and he never felt truly at home on Dorvan Five either. Voyager was a place where Chakotay really fit in. He had a purpose there. There he was a leader, he had friends, and a found family. There he knew where he stood. His day to day life was in place and systematic. 

As he walked the streets he passed shops and restaurants, a small park where a band was playing something upbeat to a very receptive crowd. It all seemed so foreign to him now. Things had changed since he was last year, even longer than Voyager’s voyage. He didn’t know these streets anymore. He knew Voyager like the back of his hand, even the Jefferies Tube. Here, Chakotay had to relearn everything. It was off putting. He would have to contact his animal guide tonight to find a centered solace.


	5. Chapter 5

Thursday’s dinner arrived and Chakotay got to the restaurant early. He took extra care in his appearance and when he was seated at a table overlooking the bay he was suddenly nervous. He fought an internal battle. What if when Kathryn arrived they wouldn’t have anything to talk about? 

When has that ever been true? 

What if she was too hurt to come tonight?

She wouldn’t have agreed to it if she was. 

He was lost in thought as he stared out over the bay that he gave a little start when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Chakotay whipped around.  
Kathryn stood before him wearing an outfit that he had never seen before. Probably another thing her sister helped her with. She looked relaxed and stunning. 

“If we were on Voyager I should put you on report for not being alert,” said Kathryn, smiling as she sat down across from him. 

“Hi,” said Chakotay. 

“Hi,” Kathryn replied, amused at his lack of a more in depth response. 

“You look surprised to see me.”

“Part of me didn’t think you’d actually come,” said Chakotay. 

“Why would I do that?”

Chakotay tugged at his earlobe. He really shouldn’t bring up the fact that she was hurt by his dating choices again. Not when they were hoping to have an enjoyable evening. 

“Did you have a hard time finding the place? San Francisco seems all new to me now,” said Chakotay, changing the topic the best he could. 

Kathryn leaned forward a little, resting her elbows on the table. 

“I do feel like a fish out of water most days lately,” said Kathryn. 

“I can’t imagine that,” said Chakotay. 

“There’s a lot about me you can’t imagine,” said Kathryn. 

“Don’t be so sure about that,” said Chakotay, leaning forward as well. 

They smiled at each other before Kathryn started to laugh. All the nervousness Chakotay felt slipped away. By the time their wine and meals arrived, the two of them were back to their normal selves. It felt like it did on Voyager, except there wasn’t ship’s business to front the conversation. Their easy rapport made their evening move quickly.  
Kathryn entertained him with a story of her visit home to Indiana. She spoke about her mother and sister, and this new man her mother was spending time with. After a bottle of wine, they were all giggles and when they finished dinner Chakotay wasn’t ready to say goodnight. 

“Want to go for a walk along the pier?” he suggested, sounding a little too hopeful to his ears.

Kathryn didn’t seem to notice or maybe she wasn’t ready to say goodnight either because Chakotay was rewarded with a big smile. 

“That sounds nice,” said Kathryn. 

Together they walked down the pier and as they stepped onto the boardwalk, Kathryn plopped her arm with Chakotay’s, resting her hand at the crook of his elbow, as she’d done so many times before. 

There were several boats moored along the docks and they rocked gently in the breeze. It was a pleasant sound, rhythmic and calming. Kathryn must have felt it too because she was uncharacteristically quiet. Chakotay hoped it was because she was just as content as he was. He smiled to himself. Rebuilding his friendship with Kathryn was going to be easier than he thought. 

Then Kathryn stopped in mid stride. She slipped her arm from his.

“You really hurt me,” said Kathryn. 

Her voice was quiet, small, and vulnerable. Chakotay’s heart seemed to plument to his stomach. Chakotay didn’t realize just how much the past month had affected her. He stopped and turned to look at her. His heart clenched a little when he saw her face. In the seven years he had known Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay had never seen her look so vulnerable. So heartbroken and it was because of him. 

Surprisingly he felt a surge of annoyance. Wasn’t she the one who set parameters between them? Wasn’t it Kathryn who said it was impossible to be together? How could she claim to be hurt by his pursuit of happiness? He wasn’t going to apologize for trying to be happy. 

“I am sorry you were hurt. I didn’t purposefully mean...,” said Chakotay, keeping his voice calm but unable to complete the sentence. 

The boardwalk creaked beneath their feet. Swaying with the water below an almost imperceptible amount. 

“I thought we had something…”

“It fell apart, Kathryn,” said Chakotay. 

As he said the words, he saw tears form in Kathryn’s eyes. 

“And I let it,” said Kathryn. 

Always taking on the full burden of everything. He wanted to shout at her. He wanted her to feel the same hurt he felt for a long time. But as he looked at her, Chakotay realized she already did. 

“Our relationship fell apart during our last year out there. Our friendship was on the rocks and I was lonely. When Seven asked me to dinner, I was flattered.” 

Kathryn brushed a tear from her eye. Chakotay really didn’t want to talk about this now. Not after they had such a nice dinner. Not after they spent an hour and half laughing and catching up, but this had clearly been nagging at Kathryn. It was happening. So he was going to tell her the hard truth. 

“I waited for you but I couldn’t live my life at a stand still. When Seven asked me, I was frustrated with you and tried to make my feelings change. I wanted a companion. But in the end, Seven wasn’t ready for something long term. Not now, and not with me anyway.”

He let out a laugh of frustration. 

“I was teaching her. Can you believe that? How I didn’t see it...” said Chakotay, and he felt foolish. How could he think he found something long term with Seven? She was so new to emotions and relationships, so eager to explore everything that came with it. How could he have expected her to slow down? He realized now he could never have been happy with her. Not long term. For a brief point he was and thought he could be but Seven was right. Their long term paths did not follow the same road. 

“Another failed relationship,” Chakotay said more to himself. 

“It’s my fault,” said Kathryn. 

“It’s not, Kathryn,” said Chakotay, “You were hell bent at keeping your parameters and I gave up. We both just let things fall apart.”

He took a step toward her. He wanted to take her hand but didn’t, afraid she would pull hers away. 

“I want our friendship back,” said Chakotay.

Kathryn just looked at him, the hurt she felt was written all over her face. Maybe she did want more from him than friendship. Maybe he should have waited, should have pushed for something more? Regret seemed to be his true companion now. 

“Kathryn,” saying her name softly, his own pain reflected in his voice. 

“I need time,” said Kathryn. 

She was pulling away and Chakotay felt a surge of panic. He didn’t want to lose her friendship. He didn’t want to go through more weeks of not talking to her. If dinner with her tonight told him anything, it was he was still attracted to her. In a big way. He still enjoyed Kathryn’s company. Their banter and conversation breathed in new life for him. He couldn’t let it go.

“Please Kathryn,” said Chakotay, “Don’t push me away.”

Hurt flashed across her face again. Regret had always been her companion too. In that they were similar. Two stubborn adults, afraid of getting hurt but do the hurting all the same. 

“Like you said, I’ve already done that,” said Kathryn. 

“And we’re rebuilding,” said Chakotay, “I enjoyed our dinner tonight, did you?”

“Yes…more than I deserve.”

“You deserve happiness, Kathryn. And if our friendship can bring you that, then I want to try to rebuild it,” said Chakotay. 

“I don’t know,” said Kathryn.

Chakotay reached out then. He held her hand. Just to keep her there. 

“Why don’t we try?” said Chakotay, remembering his sister’s words, “Please.”

He could see the gears turning in Kathryn’s mind. Weighing the options and evaluating her own misgivings. Chakotay held out hope that she missed him too. That she missed their friendship and was dying to get back what they had. It may be a little different now, but they could reach the level of closeness they once had. He was sure of it. 

“We could try dinner next week,” Chakotay said, as if throwing out darts wildly hoping to hit a bullseye. 

“I could do that,” Kathryn said slowly. 

Hope was rekindled in Chakotay’s chest. He missed his friendship with Kathryn badly. At least this was a step in the right direction. 

“Do you want me to walk you home?” Chakotay asked, guessing correctly that she was ready to call it a night. 

“No, the transporter station’s not far, I’ll be fine,” Kathryn said unsurprisingly. 

She walked past him and Chakotay felt a wave of defeat. Perhaps this was her way of brushing him off, but Kathryn turned back at the end of the boardwalk. 

“Goodnight, Chakotay,” she said, attempting a smile. 

“Goodnight, Kathryn,” Chakotay replied. 

He watched her climb the stairs that took her back to the main road. She didn’t wave or look back. She was focused on her task, as always. Chakotay was left at the docks wishing more than anything that he could see her again.


	6. Chapter 6

The dinner Chakotay had originally planned was postponed because Seven asked Kathryn to a meeting to discuss Seven’s long term plans. As disappointed as he was that his dinner plans were called off, he was glad that Kathryn had the emotional stability to continue to help Seven. Chakotay knew Kathryn cared about Seven deeply. After all you don’t spend years helping someone become an individual again just to ignore them when circumstances change. Kathryn informed Chakotay over a private message sent to his personal terminal. 

Chakotay had found a small studio apartment for himself in San Francisco. Even though his cousin offered a space in their family home, Chakotay felt he needed time to himself. He didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes, not to mention feel the small pangs of jealousy he felt when he saw his cousin with his family. Sitting at his desk, Chakotay played the message over. Kathryn’s face appeared on screen. 

“Chakotay, I’m so sorry. We’ll have to cancel our dinner plans for this week. Seven wants to meet to discuss what will happen to Icheb now that he’s at Starfleet Academy and her plans for the future. I don’t tell you this to hurt your feelings but I do want to be available to Seven if she needs me. I hope you understand.” 

She paused. Kathryn seemed as if she wanted to say more...Chakotay wished she would. Their separation made it difficult for him to read her sometimes. Was she relieved to have an excuse to cancel? 

“Why don’t we shoot for Tuesday, next week...you pick the place. My taste in food and venue is a good replicated meal and stack of Voyager’s refit reports in my mother’s living room.” 

At least she still had a small sense of humor. Kathryn closed her message and Chakotay found himself wondering what plans Seven could be thinking about. Was she worried about Icheb? Did she want Kathryn’s opinion on where she would explore next? And why didn’t she ask him? After all, didn’t they agree to remain friends? This was all so confusing. 

Chakotay poured himself a drink of whiskey, one Kathryn turned him on to while on Voyager, and opened a box of his belongings that were beamed to Earth from his starship home. He thought maybe now would be a good time to unpack. 

His life was not at all what he planned. While he was one Voyager, he figured once he returned home, his life would make more sense. He would be home, happy and...he almost let his mind think, with Kathryn but he shook the idea away. If their conversation on the boardwalk was any indication, they were nowhere near a reconciliation that was more than friendship. Even if a small part of him imagined it so. 

Chakotay opened box after box, sipping his whiskey, and placing his items throughout his small apartment. It wasn’t as large as his quarters on Voyager but he didn’t have much in the way of belongings. After the fourth and final box was opened, he found books. All but one were replicated when he was on Voyager. He pulled out the one that wasn’t. “Dante’s Inferno”. He opened it and read.

“In the middle of the journey of our life  
I found myself astray in a dark wood  
where the straight road had been lost”

That was still true. He quoted this passage to a version of Kathryn Janeway from the past, when Voyager was fractured into different time periods. He certainly felt as if the straight road was lost to him now. His plan when he returned home didn’t happen. His relationship with Seven didn’t happen. Now, his plan to reestablish his friendship with Kathryn wasn’t as stable as he hoped. The only thing he had that went right was the offer of the teaching position that Starfleet Academy sent him. He was seriously considering it and actually thought of lessons he could start planning for the upcoming term. 

Chakotay stared at the book in his hands. Kathryn trusted him twice over, all because of this book. The first time, she leant it to him when he said he had never read it. When she gave it to him one night on Voyager, Chakotay read it over and over. Eager to learn what she liked so much about it. He then used that very passage he just read in order to get a Kathryn from his past to trust him. He wanted that trust again. 

He downed the rest of his whiskey, sat on the couch, opened the book, and started to read. Maybe this time, he and Kathryn could find their way back to each other.


	7. Chapter 7

Chakotay replied to Kathryn’s message only telling her to meet him in the lobby of the transporter station. She was staying at her mother’s house. Secretly, Chakotay felt this was the best idea Kathryn (or her mother) ever had. Kathryn needed her family. He knew she missed them deeply on Voyager. The best thing for her was to reconnect with them before she returned to work. He and maybe Tuvok, were her only support system on Voyager. With Tuvok receiving treatment for a neurological condition on Vulcan, and her fractured relationship with Chakotay, Kathryn’s family was the best option for her at the moment. 

He waited for her in the lobby, watching Starfleet personnel, couples, families, and other citizens of Earth milling about and transporting all over the planet. Chakotay was looking at departure and arrival boards, which actually showed tram traffic but it gave him something to do to calm his nervousness, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. 

“Looking for a way out?” Kathryn said. 

Chakotay smiled at her. 

“Where are you taking me?” 

“Somewhere nice,” said Chakotay, “back to the transporter we go.” 

“We’re not staying here?” 

“No,” said Chakotay. He hoped a change of sereny, away from anything Starfleet would help keep the focus on them, as two people. Two humans, trying to connect to each other.

He led the way to the transporter pad, Kathryn following at his side. He plugged in his destination, deliberately hiding it from Kathryn’s view. She gave him a, “are you sure about this” kind of look but followed him anyway when he stepped onto the pad. 

“Energize,” he told the computer and they were beamed away. 

Their destination materialized in front of them and Chakotay led the way out of the new transporter station. When they exited to the street he heard Kathryn let out a breath and sound of recognition. 

“New Orleans,” said Kathryn with a smile. 

“The French Quarter, to be exact,” said Chakotay, “Come on, it’s this way.” 

They walked down the street. Passed a few shops, the very old and very famous Café du Monde, and a horse drawn carriage filled with excited Bolian tourists. 

They arrived at a traditional New Orleans cuisine restaurant, Sisko’s, and were greeted by the smiling face of the owner. They were seated in a back room, near the kitchen. 

“I didn’t know you like New Orleans food?” 

“Southern creole? Sure. It reminds me a lot of my mother’s cooking,” said Chakotay. 

They pursued the menu and Chakotay studied Kathryn from across the table. He wanted to ask her about Seven. Did she help her make plans? He wanted to ask why she felt the need to cancel their plans in favor of helping Seven? Did she feel obligated to be here now? His insecurities must have changed the mood of their table because he heard Kathryn speak from behind her menu. 

“I can feel you staring,” said Kathryn. 

“Sorry,” said Chakotay, “I was just curious why you felt that you needed to cancel our plans to help Seven. You could have just as easily scheduled it for a different day.” 

Kathryn set her menu down. She looked as if she had been caught in the act of something shameful. 

“It wasn’t very kind of me but I needed more time. Seven presented the perfect opportunity. I’m sorry for cancelling.” 

Chakotay figured he’d let that slide. 

“Were you able to help her?” 

Kathryn raised an eyebrow. 

“Seven and I haven’t spoken since Voyager. Even though I told her I would be there to help her any time she needed….as a friend,” Chakotay said, for some reason he felt he needed to clarify. 

“I did,” said Kathryn, “She wanted to know everything she could about what Starfleet Academy would be like for Icheb. She views him as a son, you know, she’s worried he won’t fit in or like it. She wanted to know alternatives, just in case. But I had to remind her that Icheb was old enough to make his own decisions and that he had chosen Starfleet. So, we talked a lot about that. I told her that you were offered a job at the Academy and that seemed to ease her concerns. She seemed to like that someone from Voyager would be there to keep an eye on Icheb.” 

“I hope she knows that no one from Voyager would allow anything bad to happen to him. He’s been through enough,” said Chakotay. 

“Agreed,” said Kathryn. 

“And her long term plans?” 

“She has multiple offers from all over the Federation. Her expertise is sought after, especially after the Dominion War. She wanted my opinion on all of them. I’m not sure I was much help. It’s been so long since I’ve been on Earth, but I did what I could,” said Kathryn. 

“I’m sure that was fine,” said Chakotay, “Did she make a decision?” 

“No. She said she needed to evaluate the options,” said Kathryn, “I think it’s important she make this choice on her own.” 

“You’re right,” said Chakotay. 

Kathryn’s gaze fell down to her menu. Chakotay had the feeling that she was done with the topic of Seven. He was pleased that despite his misstep and the hurt she felt, Kathyn was still able to help Seven when she needed it. 

Chakotay looked at his menu. They stole glances at each other until their waiter thankfully arrived to ease the tension. They ordered and their menus were taken away, leaving them with no barrier to hide from each other. Kathryn fiddled with the stem of her wine glass and Chakotay unfolded his napkin and placed it on his lap. They sat in silence as he tried to think of a conversation topic. 

“You know, I haven’t actually accepted the position at the Academy yet,” he said. 

Kathryn looked up, “I told Seven you did.” 

“It’s probably where I’ll end up, but even I’m unsure if that’s where I want to be. You said it yourself, I won’t be out there exploring.” 

She seemed to soften a little at this line of conversation. 

“Exploration has always had a strong appeal for me. That’s why I joined Starfleet in the first place. I always had my head in the stars, dreaming of what lay beyond what I could see from my parent’s backyard,” said Kathryn, her thoughts wandering into memory. 

“For me, I wanted a different life than the one I had with my tribe,” said Chakotay. 

“A life of adventure,” said Kathryn. 

Chakotay chuckled, “And look where it brought me. Adventure, indeed.” 

“So, if you don’t end up at the Academy, where would you go?” 

Chakotay shrugged, “I don’t know. Pursue archeology or an anthropological study somewhere. I really have no idea. I’ve been so focused on adjusting to life on Earth again.” 

He studied Kathyn’s face. She mentioned that she was offered a promotion but didn’t say whether or not she accepted. She was right that a promotion would take her away from starships and the stars but she was a natural leader. If Starfleet did her right, she’d end up somewhere where she could have a massive impact. 

“Are you going to accept the promotion?” he asked when he felt that staring at her was getting a little too awkward. 

Kathryn looked up from her wine glass. A small lopsided grin spread over her face. 

“You know, being an admiral had been a dream of mine when I was at the Academy. The part of me that isn’t disappointed at not being in space that often, really wants that job.” 

Chakotay couldn’t help but grin too. 

“You deserve it. Everything you did out there in the Delta quadrant, making alliances with all kinds of species, integrating the crews, I would have been shocked if they didn’t offer you anything.” 

Kathryn actually looked a little embarrassed. She looked down at her lap then back up at him.   
“I could never have done it all without you,” she said. 

“Of course you could,” Chakotay said. 

“No, I don’t think I would have,” said Kathyn. 

The words hung in the air and Chakotay was reminded of a conversation they had years ago before Kathryn’s bargain with the Borg. 

I can’t imagine a day without you.

He wondered if Kathryn was remembering too. 

After their meal, where Kathryn had insisted on trying a portion of Chakotay’s dish, Chakotay led them out of the restaurant and over to Jackson Square Park. There was some live music and a decent sized crowd already. He was hoping for something like this. An excuse to extend their evening. It seemed like he was looking for excuses to stay in her company whenever he saw her. He shook his head. That didn’t matter. Right now, Chakotay just wanted to show Kathryn a pleasant evening. Something to bring their friendship back to the forefront. When they reached the square, there were several couples dancing to a lively song. Chakotay thought it would be the perfect excuse to keep the conversation away from failed relationships and their own awkwardness. He grinned at Kathryn and held out his hand. 

Kathryn hesitated for a brief second, but placed her hand in his and followed him to where the couples were dancing. She gave him a look that seemed to ask, ‘did you plan this?’ He didn’t, but if she enjoyed herself, Chakotay would take credit for it. Chakotay spun Kathryn into him and she let out a small chuckle. His heart leapt that she didn’t seem to mind the playfulness. When he put his hand at her waist, the song changed. Talk about excellent timing…

The song slowed. It was a melancholy tune. Chakotay slowly swayed to the rhythm. He felt as if this song echoed the ache the loss in Kathryn’s friendship produced. It was mournful and blue but had pockets of upbeat hopefulness that made him wonder if the universe had deliberately planned this. Or Q? Maybe he had a hand in all this? Chakotay actually let out a small chuckle of disbelief. No, Q never showed any interest in Chakotay’s wellbeing or interests. Kathryn, maybe, and only Q’s son, Chakotay found, would care about her happiness. 

“What’s so funny?” Kathryn asked. 

“I was thinking...the timing of the song, it’s something Q might have planned,” said Chakotay. 

Kathryn smiled, “He does seem the type, doesn’t he?” 

She continued to look up at him as they swayed to the music. As the song echoed around them, it felt as if everything the two of them felt, all the loneliness, the professional separation, the distance, the hurt, it all passed between them. Chakotay could see it all flicker through Kathryn’s eyes. He was sure it passed over his own. He wanted to say so much to her. Explain how he wanted to make a change to their relationship years ago but Kathryn’s eyes were telling him it wouldn’t matter. Regret and stubborn assurance were there. Chaktoay knew she was right to keep their relationship professional but he always wondered if she had wanted more. Now, he has his answer. She did. 

Could that mean more was in their future? His hand felt sweaty against her palm and Chakotay was suddenly self conscious that Kathryn would notice. His nerves were getting the best of him. Kathryn was fire. Dangerous and beautiful but could burn you if you made a misstep. She was watching him with an intensity that reminded him of the blue part of a flame. The hottest part. It made him swallow back what he thought he wanted to say. Knowing now wasn’t the moment for words. 

A simple gesture, a look, was all they needed in the past to communicate their feelings or needs. Chakotay missed that during their separation. Now, it was coming back. 

Kathryn looked up into his eyes. 

You hurt me, they said, but I deserved it. 

I didn’t mean to and you didn’t. I was hurt too, he tried to reassure her. 

I miss you, their eyes said together. 

Kathryn placed a hand to his chest. A gesture that was so familiar, so them, that Chakotay had missed it over the past year. As they swayed to the music, it seemed their connection began to heal. Chakotay pictured himself building a bridge back to her, as she stood in the blue pool of her eyes. 

They didn’t notice when the song ended and changed, and the couples around them moved to the faster beat.


	8. Chapter 8

Chakotay was late. Not that Kathryn would be surprised. Even when he was on Voyager and had nothing to distract him except ship’s duty, he was sometimes late to his weekly dinner with Kathryn. This time, he spent too much time rereading Dante’s Inferno, and lost track of time. He was reading it again now because his relationship with Kathryn was growing stronger and had been for weeks. Who knew that one dance, one song, would have repaired years on unspoken uncertainty and hurtful situations. 

He was due to meet her at a local coffee shop that opened in San Francisco. The Admiralty brass who had been after Kathryn to join their ranks, had suggested it. Knowing Kathryn’s love for coffee, Chakotay knew she couldn’t pass that up. So, she invited him to join her, and now he was running late. He should have called for a shuttle taxi. Walking was taking too long. 

When he finally did arrive, he found Kathryn sitting along tall window seating. She waved at him through the window and gestured for him to hurry up. Chakotay made his way inside and joined her. 

“You’re late,” said Kathryn, in the same tone he was familiar with whenever he showed up late on Voyager. He knew she didn’t really need an explanation, but made the comment anyway. He may be late but he always showed up. 

“You didn’t order yet?” Chakotay asked with a smile. 

“I was waiting for you,” said Kathryn. She hopped down from her stool and they made their way to the counter. 

They order two coffees, hers black, and his with cream and two sugars. They brought their coffees back to the seat. Chakotay held his cup in his hands, letting it cool for a second. Kathyrn on the other hand took her normal, I love coffee, swallow. 

“So, I got your message that there was something you wanted to talk to me about,” said Chakotay. 

Kathyn set her coffee down on the table. She pursed her lips a little before answering. 

“Yes. I’ve accepted the promotion. They’re hosting a little ceremony, new rank pips and all that, at Starfleet Headquarters next week. I was wondering if you’d join me,” she said, shifting in her seat so she ignored her coffee and focused on him. 

“I didn’t know you made a decision. That’s great. I’d love to go,” said Chakotay. 

He was generally surprised that she asked. He was half expecting to get a call one day from her sitting in a new office. But to be invited to the actual ceremony. He was touched. Maybe he was right when he felt things were almost back to normal with the two of them. 

“My mother and sister will be there too. I’ve been staying with them in Indiana, at least, until the job starts up. You could meet them,” said Kathryn. 

“I’m sure I’ll like them,” said Chakotay. He often wondered what Kathryn's mother would be like. He caught a glimpse of her at the reunion the Voyager crew had with their families, but wasn’t able to actually speak with her. If she was anything like Kathryn, Chakotay knew he would like her instantly. 

Kathryn waved a finger at him, “My mother is no nonsense. She’s a mathematician.” 

“Which explains you a lot,” smiled Chakotay. 

Kathryn playfully swatted his arm but chuckled all the same.

“You’re not touching your coffee,” said Chakotay, suddenly noticing that her cup was almost entirely full while his own was half done. 

Kathryn stole a quick glance at the front counter, then leaned it closely.

“This coffee...is terrible,” she said conspiratorially. 

“What?” said Chakotay, almost choking back laughter. 

“It’s terrible. I can’t drink it,” said Kathyn. 

“Mine seemed fine,” Chakotay said, finishing the last of his own drink. 

“That’s because you defile it with so much sugar,” said Kathryn.

“Seriously…” 

“Seriously, Chakotay, I’m not kidding, it’s terrible,” she pushed the coffee toward him. 

Chaktoay, who had never been a fan of black coffee anyway, brought the cup to his lips. He drank and then forced himself to swallow it. 

“This coffee is terrible,” he agreed. 

Vindicated, Kathryn leaned back a little from him, “Let’s leave,” she said, already standing from her seat. 

Chakotay followed her wordlessly out of the coffee shop that he was certain he would never find Kathryn in again. 

“You’re probably just used to replicated coffee,” said Chakotay as he walked next to Kathryn along a row of shops. 

Kathryn raised her hand, “Oh no, I had my mother's ever since I got home, and it’s not replicated. I know good coffee, Chakotay, that was not good coffee.” 

Chakotay grinned. This woman certainly knew coffee but a part of him wondered if her mother truly made the coffee herself or if she replicated it. It was something he filed away and reminded himself to ask her when he saw her.


	9. Chapter 9

Chakotay felt a little out of place at the Starfleet ceremony to promote Kathryn Janeway. There were numerous admirals, most of whom Chakotay thought just wanted a holophoto with the famous captain of Voyager, or who were there to say they were present at her promotion. He found himself, pushed a little to the side, hanging back as he watched Admiral Paris start to say a few words. He had known Kathryn the longest and had served with her on the Al-Banti. 

“So, you’re Kathryn’s first officer,” said a voice next to him. 

Chakotay looked around and found a woman, younger than Kathryn, with similar features, except with brown hair. 

“And you must be her sister,” said Chakotay. 

The woman next to him smiled and it was uncannily-like Kathryn’s. 

“Phoebe,” said Kathryn’s sister, she held out her hand and offered it to Chakotay. 

They shook hands. Kathryn told him that her sister was an artist, a free spirit. The hand he held was slender but calloused, probably from all the different tools, pottery, and whatever else this artistic Janeway did. Chakotay had no doubt that Phoebe was to art as Kathryn was to everything Starfleet. 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” said Chakotay. 

Phoebe smiled at him. She seemed to be making an assessment of him. Sizing him up. 

“She really wanted you to be here,” said Phoebe. 

Chakotay didn’t know what to say. He looked over at Kathryn who was standing next to Admiral Paris. She was smiling and laughing at the story he told about Kathryn as an ensign. At that moment, Chakotay was immensely happy that he took the risk to ask Kathryn to dinner, which led to the rebuilding of their relationship. After seven years, Chakotay was proud to be here and watching Kathryn achieve a goal she had been working toward since she was a cadet. 

“She’s told me a lot about you,” said Phoebe. 

“Did she?” said Chakotay. 

“Mmmhmm,” said Phoebe. 

“Good things, I hope,” said Chakotay. 

“She said that you were the person who held her together on Voyager,” said Phoebe, “so, naturally, I wanted to know who you were.” 

Chakotay smiled, “She was very important to me too. She is...very important to me too.” 

Before he could elaborate, Admiral Paris brought everyone to attention and Chakotay watched as Kathryn was given admiral’s pips. Kathryn’s mother helped Admiral Paris fix them to her uniform collar and then hugged her daughter as the admiralty applauded. They exchanged a few words and Kathryn seemed to fight back tears. Chakotay was so pleased that Kathryn could share moments like this with her family. She spoke about them often during their dinners on Voyager and he knew that spending time with them now meant a lot to her. He clapped alongside everyone and from across the room, he met Kathryn’s gaze. She beamed at him and Chakotay couldn’t help but smile back. 

As everyone started to filter out of the small state room, Kathryn found her way to Chakotay’s side. 

“Congratulations,” said Chakotay. 

He leaned in to hug her and as he enveloped her in his arms, the familiar swooping sensation he felt when she touched him came back. 

“Thank you,” said Kathryn, hugging him tightly. When they let go, Chakotay could see a tinge of a blush creep up her face. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear subconsciously before she smiled at him. 

“My mother is hosting a small party afterwards. Friends, family, and a bunch of these admirals are coming. Will you stop by?” 

“Of course,” said Chakotay. If he was a little too quick at agreeing to Kathryn’s invitation, she took no notice. 

“Good. I can’t imagine spending more time with some of these people. The hero worship is awful,” said Kathryn. 

“You may have to get used to it,” said Chakotay, “You’ll be working with these people soon enough.” 

“I’m hoping once they see me action the stares of wonderment will fade.” 

Chakotay doubted very much that that would be the case. As he followed Kathryn and the rest of the party out of the stateroom and toward the transporter, Chakotay imagined that once Kathryn got to work, really work, these older Starfleet admirals wouldn’t know what hit them. After all, the determined Kathryn Janeway that he knew, stopped at nothing to achieve her goals. All he had to do was look at her experiences with the Borg, Species 8472, hell, even bringing Voyager home. She achieved so much and she did it all on her own (no matter what she said about him). With all of Starfleet’s resources at her disposal, she would be unstoppable. 

At the Janeway farmhouse, Kathyn’s mother Gretchen cornered him in the kitchen. Chakotay was immediately impressed with Gretchen Janeway. She was as Kathryn described her, no nonsense, rational, and so very caring. 

“Can I help you find something?” Gretchen asked as Chakotay stood in the middle of the kitchen looking for coffee. 

“I was actually looking for a cup of coffee,” he said. What he didn’t mention was that he was trying to determine if Kathryn’s mother actually replicated her coffee, proving his hypothesis right - that Kathryn was too used to replicated coffee, or if she did indeed make it fresh. Just to satisfy his own curiosity. 

“I can make a cup or two, of course, once I make it, Kathryn will want a cup,” said Gretchen. She began to boil water, “I blame her father, you know, he got her hooked on coffee as a teenager. She wanted to be like him so badly, she even emulated some of his habits.” 

Gretchen pulled a metal canister from a kitchen cabinet and opened the lid. Immediately the smell of ground coffee filled the air. So, it was fresh coffee after all. 

When the coffee was made, Gretchen poured Chakotay a cup.

“Do you have cream and sugar?” he asked. 

“Does Kathryn know you have your coffee like that?” asked Gretchen with a twinkle in her eye. She brought out the cream and sugar for Chakotay anyway. 

“You know, you said Kathryn emulated her father, but after meeting you, I can see where she gets a lot of her personality,” said Chakotay. 

“You’re sweet,” said Gretchen. 

“Do I smell coffee?” Kathryn said as she whipped around the corner into the kitchen and poured herself a cup. 

“You could smell coffee from orbit,” said Gretchen. She kissed her daughter on the cheek before she left the kitchen to rejoin the party, leaving Kathryn and Chakotay standing there clutching their coffee. 

Kathryn inhaled and smiled, “I told you this was the good stuff.” 

Chakotay let out a short laugh, “You were right. I should never have doubted you when it comes to coffee.” 

“A very wise policy,” said Kathryn, smiling over her cup at him. 

Chakotay could not help but stare at her. She was so relaxed in her family home. More relaxed than he had seen her before. She was in a familiar and safe environment where she could be herself. It was fascinating to watch. Not to mention that the belt from her admiral’s jacket fit her very well. Kathryn leaned against the kitchen wall, careful not to knock down what looked like some kind of art creation by a young Phoebe. 

“I really am happy for you,” said Chakotay, “You deserve this promotion.” 

“Thank you,” said Kathryn. 

She was eyeing him too. He didn’t have an admiral’s belt but the new Starfleet uniform did look good on him, even if it was just his opinion that told him so. He self-consciously adjusted his uniform sleeves. Even though it was replicated to fit his exact sizing specifications. When he caught her eye, she smiled quickly and looked away, drinking from her coffee to hide her gaze. 

Chakotay hadn’t told her yet, but Starfleet Academy made him an offer to sweeten their teaching deal. If he accepted, he would be promoted to captain. While he wouldn’t have a ship, he’d be getting a promotion too and that was extremely appealing. It was all thanks to the woman before him. If she hadn’t pulled him back into the world of Starfleet, none of this would be happening. He wanted to tell her thanks, to tell her that she was just as instrumental in his being here today as he seemed to be for her. But that felt like a more private conversation. Not one that should be done when in her mother’s house had admirals congregated in the next room. Another time, perhaps. 

Chakotay set his coffee down on the kitchen counter. 

“I should get going. I have to transport back to San Francisco,” he said. 

“I’ll walk you out,” said Kathryn. She set down her own cup and Chakotay noticed that she hadn’t finished her coffee. 

Was saying goodnight more important than coffee was the moment? That thought sent another, different kind of swooping feeling. Something he was too afraid to name in the fear it would disappear quickly. 

Kathryn walked him to the door and out onto the porch. 

“Thanks for coming,” said Kathryn as the screen door swung shut behind her. 

“Of course, I’m glad you invited me,” said Chakotay. I’m glad you wanted me here, he thought. 

“It meant a lot to me that you were here,” said Kathryn. 

She stepped closer to him and Chakotay felt his heart start to race. Was this the moment where everything would change?

“You’re an amazing woman, Kathryn. I’m glad Starfleet can see that,” said Chakotay. 

“A captain is only as good as her first officer,” said Kathryn. 

She stepped even closer. Chakotay could almost feel her body heat. He wanted to reach out and pull her into his arms. He thought about throwing caution into the wind and doing exactly that but stopped himself. He was rebuilding his friendship. He didn’t want to overstep an invisible boundary that Kathryn set. Not when things were going so well.

Chakotay looked into her eyes and thought about what to say in response but it seemed as soon as he formed a thought it slipped from his mind. Then something happened that made his brain short circuit. A hand came up at the back of his head and weaved into his hair. The next thing he knew, Kathryn Janeway was kissing him. 

He couldn’t believe it. He just stood there, completely in shock. Chakotay had imagined what this would be like for years. Never truly believing that he would be here in this moment. He felt Kathryn press her body to his and that was it. It was like a jolt snapped him into action. Chakotay put his hands on her hips and kissed her back. 

Kathryn increased the pressure on his lips, increasing the intensity of the moment. It was everything Chakotay imagined it would be. Kathryn’s assertiveness emboldened him, and Chakotay wrapped one arm around her waist and slid his other up her back, his hand into her hair. Kathryn’s hand gripped his face and forced her tongue into his mouth. Chakotay backed Kathryn up and pressed her against the exterior of the house, between the screen door and a large window that looked over the porch. Chakotay pressed his body to hers and he heard Kathryn groan at the contact. Any doubts Chakotay had that Kathryn didn’t want more than their previous professional relationship disappeared. He felt Kathryn’s fingers weave into his hair and it was his turn to groan. Chakotay’s heart was pounding in his chest. Questions popped into his mind, what did this mean? Could it lead to more? But were pushed aside quickly by more primal thoughts, who cares - this feels too good. 

Suddenly there was loud laughter from inside the house and Chakotay suddenly remembered where he was. People were sitting down on a small sofa in front of the large window they were barely hidden from. He broke their kiss, his face inches from hers. He heard Kathryn inhale sharply. Then Chakotay felt her hand on his chest. He was sure she could feel how fast her heart was beating. They had to stop. If someone looked outside, they would see them, and it would not be the kind of situation a newly minted admiral would want to find herself in.

He took a step back. His lips tingling with the ghost of hers. He wanted to kiss her again. He wanted to do so much more, but Kathryn’s eyes told him, the moment had passed. Their eyes met as they caught their breath. 

“I should go,” Chaktoay said, his voice breathless. 

“I’m glad you came,” said Kathryn. 

Chakotay cupped her cheek, his thumb stroking the smooth skin of her face. 

“Goodnight,” he said. 

“Goodnight,” Kathryn said. She leaned against the house and watched him as he turned to leave. 

His walk to the transporter station went faster than he thought. He was back at his apartment in San Francisco without noticing how he got there. His mind focused on the moments before. Kathryn kissed him. He felt like pinching himself just to prove he wasn’t dreaming. The smile on his face seemed permanently fixed as he got ready for bed. As he lay on his bed, memories of the way Kathryn’s body felt pressed up against his, the smoothness of her skin, the feel of her lips on his. 

He lay awake for quite some time before sleep found him and dreams of Kathryn followed him into the dream world.


	10. Chapter 10

Chakotay doubted very much that the real Sandrine’s had ever seen so many people crowded into the small establishment at once. Many Voyager crew members attended the night’s festivities. Chakotay forgot how much he missed these people until they were all in the same room again. Everyone shared stories of their lives now that everyone was scattered around the galaxy. It was good to see that the crew had adapted so well. Tom and B’Elanna were proudly showing off Miral. Harry was talking animatially about his new assignment and rank. He was finally a lieutenant, and if Chakotay heard correctly, soon to be lieutenant commander. He was proud of Harry, the young man achieved so much and grew up fast. Chakotay was grateful to know him. He was grateful to know all of them. 

Despite his love of all the people huddled around the pool tables, bar seating and small wooden booths, there was really one person he was waiting to see. After all, the reason the former crew of Voyager was here in France was to celebrate their captain’s birthday. Chakotay had been looking forward to seeing Kathryn again soon. They had seen each other off and on from the night of Kathryn’s promotion. Chakotay felt it was going well and each time, felt as if it was leading up to something more. He certainly wanted it to but wasn’t going to rush anything. His instincts right now were to take things one day at a time. It was fortunate that many of those days ended with a kiss or two. It was something secretive, that just the two of them knew about. It made him feel invigorated with youthful optimism. 

Chakotay was standing at the bar, listening to Mike Ayala tell him all about his sons. Both of whom were almost out of their teens now. He was so proud to be back in their lives. 

“And Josh, he’s been spending time with a group of Klingons and I thought for a second, that it wasn’t a good idea until I realized that they’re just a HIchmey nga'chuq cover band.”

“I didn’t know Josh was into music?” said Chakotay. 

“I wouldn’t call it music, but it keeps him out of trouble,” laughed Mike. 

Chakotay looked toward the door. He had been doing that all evening, waiting for the guest of honor to show up. 

“She did say she was coming right?” said Mike.

“Who?” said Chakotay distractedly when a red haired woman came through the door but it was only the wife of one of Voyager’s engineers. 

“The captain, er, Admiral, now...she was coming to her own birthday party,” said Mike. 

“She’ll be here,” said Chakotay. 

Mike gestured to the bartender and slid the drink she produced over to Chakotay. 

“Might as well drink...to ease the nerves,” said Mike, to address Chakotay’s hesitant face. 

“Who said anything about being nervous,” said Chakotay. 

“I’ve known you for a while now. You’re only this distracted when you’re waiting for a woman.” 

“I…” said Chakotay but Chakotay’s word failed him. 

Mike looked slyly at him and followed Chakotay’s gaze. There she was, Kathryn Janeway standing in the doorway. Mike smiled at Chakotay. 

“Not a word,” Chakotay said to Mike. 

He joined in on the cheering and the raucous chorus of ‘happy birthday’. Kathryn smiled around the room. She waved her thanks and then her eyes met his. He grinned at her and raised his drink in greeting. It was twenty minutes before Kathryn finally joined him at the small booth Chakotay had claimed earlier. He had a birthday present for her and was excited to see her reaction. 

Kathryn slid into the booth next to him. They were tucked away in a corner and Chakotay was grateful for it. 

“It can’t be Kathryn Janeway...she said she had meetings all evening,” teased Chakotay. 

“Well, I had a party to attend,” said Kathryn, smiling at him. 

“I’m glad you’re here…” said Chakotay. He picked up a padd that he had tucked away at the back of the booth, “Happy birthday.” 

Kathryn took the padd from him and read the screen. 

“Vulcan Love Slave Part Two,” said Kathryn laughing and smacking him playfully on the arm with the padd…”I should never have told you about that.” 

Chakotay laughed, “Actually, this is your present.” 

It had been worth showing her his joke gift. The smile on her face lit up the room. He pulled out a wrapped present and handed it to her. Kathryn was looking at him as if she was trying to guess what he had in store. She unwrapped the gift to reveal a leather bound book. 

“The essays of John Muir,” Kathryn read. 

“He wrote about nature and since we’re back on Earth and trying to reconnect to the planet, I thought…”

“It’s perfect. Thank you,” said Kathryn. 

She leaned in and kissed him. A quick peck, appropriate for public, and too fast for any of the crew to see. Chakotay was disappointed it didn’t linger but Kathryn’s hand rested on his knee...he would take what he could get. 

“It’s nice to see many of the crew. It’s too bad Tuvok couldn’t make it, but I got a nice message from him,” said Kathryn. 

“How’s he doing?” 

“Better,” said Kathryn, “he said the treatment went well.” 

“That’s good to hear,” said Chakotay. 

“It is,” said Kathryn, stroking his knee. 

They shared a look driven by an unspoken but understood desire. This was growing into something more. Chakotay wanted to ask her why all of a sudden Kathryn was more open to changing their relationship but from the looks, gestures, and invitations she sent his way, it was clear Kathryn no longer held her previous concerns. It made Chakotay’s heart leap with anticipation. Chakotay leaned in a little more, tilting his head to whisper in her ear. 

“I’m glad to share your birthday with you,” he said, smiling at the small intake of breath Kathryn made, as if anticipating something different than his gratitude. 

“Me too,” said Kathryn, her voice a whisper. Chakotay watched as her gaze dropped for a second to his lips, then snapped back up. 

She blushed a little but smiled at him all the same. Then her gaze was pulled away to look past him and toward the door. 

“She actually made it,” said Kathryn more to herself than Chakotay. 

“Who?” said Chakotay, turning around to look. 

It was Seven, and she looked different. Chakotay would have been a fool if he said she wasn’t attractive. Now, with an easy, casual look, she looked stunning. Her hair was free from the tight confines of the bun she usually wore and she abandoned the skin tight clothing for casual pants, a sweater, and jacket. She looked good, and young. Too young for him. 

“I asked Seven if she was going to attend. She said she wasn’t sure but then messaged me later to say that she was bringing someone,” said Kathryn. 

She looked at him, “Are you okay?”

Chakotay knew at that moment that he was indeed okay. He had recovered from his breakup, repaired his relationship with Kathryn and now the excitement that something more could be blossoming between them was more than enough to outweigh any discomfort he felt. He covered Kathryn’s hand with his. 

“I’m happy with my situation right now,” said Chakotay, he stroked Kathryn’s hand with his thumb, “More than happy.” 

Kathryn beamed at him, then looking over his shoulder her eyes widened in surprise. 

“Oh my,” said Kathryn. 

Chakotay turned around to see Seven clutching the arm of a tall brunette. The woman was speaking with Tom and B’Elanna who looked just as dumbfounded as Chakotay felt. Seven was with a woman? 

“Did you know?” Kathryn asked. 

“No, did you?” 

“No. She didn’t mention anything about who she was bringing. Just that it was someone special and she wanted me to meet them,” said Kathryn. 

“Well, if she’s happy, then I’m happy,” said Chakotay. 

“That’s what I was going with too,” said Kathryn. 

After Seven had finished introducing her date to Tom and B’Elanna she spotted Chakotay and Kathryn from across the room and made her way over to her. Seven’s hand coming to rest overtop of the brunette woman’s. She stopped in front of their table. 

“Admiral,” said Seven, “Chakotay.” 

“Hello Seven, I’m glad you could make it. Who’s your date?” said Kathryn smiling, her curiosity bursting just like Chakotay’s was. 

“This is Gabriella,” said Seven, smiling as the woman next to her, “I met her at a conference on astrodynamics.” 

“And you must be Captain Janeway. Aniaka’s mentioned you several times. It’s a pleasure to meet you. I have to admit I’m a bit starstruck,” said Gabriella. 

“Well, whatever the Federation New Services is promoting, is blown way out of proportion,” said Kathryn with a wave of her hand. 

“She’s being modest,” said Chakotay, “She did it all. I’m Chakotay, I was the captain’s first officer.” 

Chakotay held out his hand and Gabriella shook it. Seven seemed relieved that the introductions went well. Chakotay was determined to make it that way. Whatever they had between them was over and now he was her friend. He was pleased that she found happiness with someone. 

“I can not linger. I plan on introducing Gabriella to Ensign Kim and the Doctor.” 

“Harry’s a lieutenant now, but I’m sure he’ll tell you all about it,” said Chakotay. 

“Before we do that...I’m going to sneak off to the bar. Do you want anything?” said Gabriella. 

“I am...unsure…” said Seven. 

Chakotay knew full well that Seven had a hard time holding her liquor and was about to intervene when Gabriella touched her arm affectionately and said, “Don’t worry, I’ll find you something light.” 

She walked away and Seven watched her go, smiling to herself. 

“Well,” said Kathryn, “I was not aware that you...uh...preferred women.” 

Seven raised an eyebrow. 

“Since my time on Earth has changed many things. I altered my viewpoint on human relationships and decided that limiting my interactions to one gender to be inefficient.” 

Chakotay fought back a laugh. It was a very Seven response and in fact, completely logical. 

“Well, does she make you happy?” asked Kathryn, his voice more serious, maternal. 

“She does. Gabriella has introduced me to many new things,” said Seven, and Chakotay was surprised to see that she was blushing. 

“I’m glad to hear it,” said Chakotay. 

Seven looked down as if embarrassed but her gaze fell to Kathryn’s hand on Chakotay’s knee. 

“And you have found happiness as well?” Seven asked. 

“Something like that,” said Chakotay. 

Seven looked over to the bar, locating Gabriella. 

“Why don’t you go join your date,” said Kathryn, gently and a little proudly. 

Seven smiled and without a word, left to join Gabriella at the bar. Gabriella’s arm slipped around her waist. 

Chakotay looked to Kathryn. 

“Well...that’s new,” said Chakotay. 

“I had no idea,” said Kathryn, “Well…” she raised her drink, “To Seven’s new found happiness and to new beginnings.” 

Chakotay raised his drink, “To it all.” 

They toasted and as they drank, their eyes met again. Another moment of unspoken communication passed between them. It was time for their own new beginning. 

“When the party is over…” said Kathryn, “Take me home.” 

Chakotay flashed a dimpled grin at her.


	11. Chapter 11

Chakotay was in his kitchen, a pot was boiling pasta, and he was cutting vegetables. 

“You know,” called Kathryn from the other room, “I think we should take a trip to Yoesmite, just like Muir.” 

She entered the room, the book of John Muir essays, propped open. 

“A nature hike will do us good,” said Kathryn. 

Chakotay smiled, “You didn’t seem particularly fond of hiking when we were on New Earth.” 

Kathryn closed the book and smacked his hip lightly, then set it on the counter. 

“Well, unlike New Earth, we can beam back to our apartments at any time,” said Kathryn. 

“We had that shelter,” Chakotay said, picking up a cutting board, and using a knife to push his cut vegetables into a simmering sauce. 

Kathryn scoffed and Chakotay smiled. Kathryn did not enjoy ‘roughing it’ and their brief stay on New Earth was a challenge for Kathryn to get used to. Chakotay stirred the sauce and turned off the burner for the pasta. 

“You enjoyed our time there, didn’t you?” asked Kathryn. 

“New Earth?” asked Chaktoay, straining the pasta in the sink. 

“Yes.” 

Holding the pasta in a pot, Chakotay looked at Kathryn, who was waiting for his response.   
“I did,” said Chakotay, “I like being outdoors. I liked being with you.” 

“All those years ago…” Kathryn said wistfully. 

She looked at him, came up to him and slid her hand up his chest. No more words were needed. Chakotay thought Kathryn understood that when they spoke about New Earth, they were really talking about their relationship. They were forced together, in life and on that planet, got to know each other, even if they were a little unsure, and in the end, the experience was life-changing. No matter what happened, Chakotay wouldn’t trade anything for the experience that brought him closer to Kathryn. 

“Dinner?” Chakotay asked. 

“I thought you’d never ask,” said Kathryn, taking the pot of pasta from his hands and heading over to his small dining table. 

This wasn’t the first time he had cooked dinner for Kathryn. It wasn't the first time she had stayed after dinner as well. However, each time felt like something new. It could be because of the newness of the budding relationship but Chakotay felt like it was something else. Months ago, he told B’Elanna that he doubted everything could happen with Kathryn Janeway. What he didn’t mention to her was that when he said the words, his heart constricted in a way that he initially thought was because of Seven but he now realized was because he was truly, deeply, in love with Kathryn. 

Chakotay moved silently into the other room. Kathryn was dishing out pasta onto their plates. He admired the domesticity of the moment and wanted more of them. His future wasn't all decided. He was offered an intriguing opportunity that he was having a hard time saying no to. He wanted Kathryn’s opinion but was afraid to ask her. It wasn’t as if he couldn’t make the decision on his own but he wanted to gauge her reaction and what it meant for them. 

Bringing the pasta sauce and ladle out to the dining table, Chakotay covered each of their noodles with a pasta sauce of his own creation. This one had a little more of a kick that he hoped Kathryn would enjoy. Kathryn watched him pour sauce onto his plate over her glass of wine. Then watched him return the pot to the kitchen. 

“Thank you for cooking,” said Kathryn as Chakotay returned to the table. 

“My pleasure,” said Chakotay. 

“I hate to cook,” said Kathryn. 

“I’m well aware.” 

Kathryn laughed and raised her glass to his from across the table. As they dug into their meal, Kathryn struck up the conversation, as she usually did. 

“I had a call from the Doctor the other day,” said Kathryn. 

“Something wrong with his program?” asked Chakotay. 

“Not exactly,” said Kathryn, “He and Starfleet seem to have come to an impasse. While he wants to continue research at Starfleet Medical, some of the brass don’t feel comfortable with a computer program, granted a highly sophisticated one, running clinical trials. He’s upset that now he has to be supervised by a Vulcan doctor.” 

Kathryn rolled her eyes, “He’s not too pleased, to say the least.” 

“I don’t think I would enjoy being overseen by a Vulcan either,” said Chakotay. 

“Apparently, she’s judgemental and overbearing,” said Kathryn. 

“Ironici, coming from him,” said Chakotay. 

Kathryn smiled, “And I’ve been recruited to mediate.” 

“Better you than me,” said Chakotay. 

They shared a laugh and Chakotay pushed aside his desire to bring up his new opportunity until after dinner. Content to listen to Kathryn talk. 

When their meal was done and Kathryn politely declined dessert, much to Chakotay’s dismay, and is insatiable sweet tooth, Chakotay replicated Kathryn her traditional after dinner coffee. They moved to the couch and settled down next to each other. 

“I haven’t told you...I’m really enjoying our time together,” said Kathryn. 

“Me too,” said Chakotay. 

Quiet moments like this; sitting on his couch was more than he could have imagined months ago. This calm contentment he felt was brought on by the woman before him and he was reminded of a story he told her on a different ‘Earth’. 

“What are you thinking?” said Kathryn. 

“About a story of an angry warrior,” said Chakotay. 

“I remember that story,” said Kathryn.

She was watching him with a gleam in her eyes. Something he saw more of lately and it always causes his heart to skip a beat. 

“And how grateful I am that you made me your first officer.” 

“I couldn’t imagine anyone else,” said Kathryn. 

Wanting to bring the conversation to the future, to his plans, and what her thoughts were on the subject. Chakotay gently took the mug of coffee from Kathryn and set it on the coffee table. He took it as a good sign that she didn’t resist and he felt hopeful that she was just as interested in talking about the future as he was. Her eyes never left his face as Chakotay held her hands. 

“I’m not your first officer anymore,” said Chakotay. 

Kathryn flashed him a lopsided grin, “You’ll always be my first officer.” 

Before Chakotay could say that he didn’t want to be, that he wanted to be more. Kathryn shifted to straddle him. Her hands came up to his face and she kissed him. 

“You’re my first officer,” she said, “No one else can say that.” 

“Kathryn…” said Chakotay, wanting to bring up the offer that came his way. How that would look for him. Would she want to be involved in the decision? But when her tongue tangled with his in a passionate kiss, any thoughts beyond the woman in his lap disappeared. 

Later that night, Chakotay woke up with the feeling he was forgetting something. He looked over to Kathryn, who was still asleep. She lay with her back to him. Her hands cradled against her chest, still clasped together, as if still holding his hand. He watched her breathe for a minute before he climbed out of bed and went into the bathroom. He slid the door shut to try to block the light, asking the computer to dim them anyway, so Kathryn wouldn’t wake. 

He looked at himself in the mirror. He was older now, barely over fifty, yet sometimes he felt as lost as he did as a teenager. He wanted to tell Kathryn of the chance of a lifetime. He was offered from an old acquaintance the chance to go on an archeological dig on an alien plant for up to a year, maybe even more. It was very intriguing, to say the least. If he wanted to progress his career in anthropology, this could be his shot. However, the offer that Starfleet made him, the promotion, the opportunity to teach at the Academy. It would be similar to the first officer role, shaping personnel, training, teaching, being a mentor. He enjoyed that. He wanted to keep that momentum going. Both were appealing options, but one would take him away from Kathryn. His anxiety over leaving after their newly developed relationship was still so fresh, made him want to reject the archeological dig offer all together, but he didn’t. A part of him still wanted to go but he wanted Kathryn more. 

The bathroom door slid open. Kathryn leaned against the door frame, her pink robe tied loosely around her naked form. 

“What are you doing up?” she said, her voice low and raspy from sleep.   
Chakotay leaned against the sink. 

“There’s something that's been on my mind that I need to talk to you about.” 

“What?” Kathryn said. She couldn’t keep the apprehension out of her voice, even if she was tired. 

“I was offered another job opportunity. One that takes me away from Earth. 

“And you’re considering it,” said Kathryn. She tightened her robe around her. 

“It’s a very intriguing offer,” said Chakotay, “One most people would jump on.” 

She watched him for a long moment. 

“What is it?” she finally asked. 

“An archeological dig on Varlin Minor. It would be a big anthropological career boost.”

“Then you should go,” Kathryn said. 

“It’s for a year, maybe more…”

“Oh.”

“Tell me not to,” said Chakotay. They were going to have the conversation now. He needed to know. He couldn’t move forward without knowing. 

“Chakotay, I can’t ask you to…”

“Tell me not to go and I won’t,” said Chakotay. 

His words hung between them. He was asking her to commit to them. To what their relationship was, what they meant to each other, and a future neither one of them could see.

“I…” said Kathryn, as she hesitated. 

Chakotay turned away. He couldn’t let Kathryn see the disappointment, the heartbreak on his face. He wanted a future with her. To spend the rest of his life with her, no matter where that was or what they did. He just needed a confirmation. Some sign that he was as committed. Here he was again, wanting too much from women who weren’t ready. 

“Don’t…” Kathryn said, so quietly, Chakotay was sure if it wasn’t the dead of night, he would have missed it, “Don’t go.” 

He turned around. Kathryn was looking at him. Tears in her eyes. Chakotay walked up to her.   
“Don’t go...I want…” Kathryn took a deep breath, “I want to be with you.” 

Chakotay embraced her. He looked down at her, as she tucked her face against his chest. 

“I want that to,” said Chakotay. 

“What about your career?” said Kathryn. 

“I can take the job at the Academy. We’ll be working close by,” said Chakotay. 

Kathryn put her hands on his chest and looked up at him. 

“I meant the dig. Don’t you want to go?” 

“Of course, but I want to be with you more. The Academy’s offer is extremely appealing. Teaching anthropology to young cadets, telling them everything about the Delta quadrant cultures we encountered. No one else can say they can do that.” 

“But…”

“I want you, Kathryn. A future with you. If a job takes me away from that...then I don’t want it.” 

“Are you sure?”

“Yes...but I haven’t heard what you want. What do you want our future to be?” 

“I don’t know...but I want to find out together.” 

“We always were a good team,” said Chakotay. 

He leaned down and kissed her. Kathryn wrapped her arms around his neck as she deepened the kiss. Chakotay had few moments of clarity in his life. It was something he tried to achieve through guidance from his animal guide. It wasn’t always possible but as he held Kathryn in his arm at that moment, he knew. This was the right choice. One that would bring them both happiness for a long time. He didn’t know how he knew it, but he did and it was enough.


	12. Epilogue

Chakotay was late, again. He was always late when he planned to meet Kathry. She didn’t seem to mind. This time he had a good excuse. A young and slightly over eager cadet was discussing her paper on the conflict with the Kazon. Chakotay had to finally say that he was late in meeting his wife and had to leave. The cadet took offense at the brush off and maybe she should have been but the last thing he wanted to do was to spend hours talking over the finer points of diplomacy with a race more chaotic than the Klingons with an eighteen year old.   
Chakotay hurried along the path that connected the Academy and Starfleet Headquarters. Cadets greeted him as he passed. Chakotay enjoyed being at the Academy. He was shaping young minds into leaders, hopefully in the mold that would make him proud. 

As he rounded a corner, he spotted her. Sitting on their favorite bench. The feeling of deja vu came over him as he walked toward her. There was Kathryn reading a padd and leaning against the trunk. Chakotay sat next to her and leaned over to try to read the padd. 

“Did they come out with a Vulcan Love Slave part three?” he teased. 

Kathryn laughed and smacked his thigh with the padd.

“No, take a look.” 

She handed the padd to him and Chakotay read. 

Archeological dig site: Varlin Minor  
Year: 3

“Varlin Minor?” Chakotay said, staring at the padd, “What?”

“I contacted the dig site leader and told him of your expertise,” said Kathryn. 

“Kathryn...I…”

“We’re going and that’s that.”

“We?” 

“Yes. As the site leader and I were talking, he mentioned that there were several mechanical structures that his team were having difficulty with. They have a few engineers on the team but could use a hand. I thought, why not me. I can take a sabbatical for a few months and Tuvok said he would step in for you at the Academy.”

“You planned all this?” said Chakotay in disbelief. 

“Yes...but we can only be there for a few months,” said Kathryn. 

“Why?” 

“There’s something else I didn’t tell you…” said Kathryn. 

She picked up his hand and placed it over her stomach. Chakotay stared at her, his mind not quite catching up to what his heart was screaming at him. 

“You’re pregnant?” he asked...staring at his hand where it lay on her stomach. 

“Yes… I met with the Doctor to check to see if it was safe to go and he said that for a few months, it would be fine. We’ll just have to be careful and monitor her just to be safe.”

“Her?! It’s a girl?” 

“Yes,” nodded Kathryn. She smiled at him, tears filling her eyes, “It’s a girl.” 

Chakotay wrapped her into his arms. Hugging her tightly to him. 

“I can’t believe it,” said Chakotay. 

“Believe it mister,” said Kathryn, “We had our time taking things slow. Building what we have. Now is as good a time as any to share it with a little one.” 

“Kathryn, I couldn’t be happier.” 

“You say that now, but I bet I can find a few things that could top it,” said Kathryn. 

Chakotay shook his head in disbelief. Years of searching led him to Kathryn Janeway and Voyager. He found peace, then when he returned to Earth, he found happiness. Chakotay always knew that his path in life wouldn’t be easy. He often found that he had to travel that alone. Now, he couldn’t wait to start the next part of the journey with Kathryn at his side.


End file.
